93 Grey (Part 1)

[00:00:00] That probably part of my life that I [00:00:03]keep the most quiet about [1.1s] is my mystical process, or the mystical process that I went through. The nature of my relationship to this thing that I call the Voice, the information that was given to me by the Voice, that has nothing to do with the Human Design system. All of that information, for me, I call fantastic. There are really two kinds of information in my process with the Voice that was given to me, it was logical and empirical, which I discovered for myself working with it that was the Human Design system. And there was the information that was given me by the Voice, which I consider fantastic, because it’s not possible to prove it. When it became obvious that I had to go out into the world and share the Human Design system with with other people, the one thing I was certain about was I wasn’t gonna let me in on the mystical side because I didn’t want to start putting the focus of attention on myself, or my process, by having to believe in me, or having to believe in the nature of the Voice. The blessing of the Human Design system is that it doesn’t matter whether I’m alive or dead, it doesn’t matter whether there was a Voice or not.

[00:01:16] My whole business with the Human Design system, the nature of information from the Voice, the logical aspect of what was given to me by the Voice, I’ve been sharing for nine years and it doesn’t require me. That’s its beauty and that was it’s beauty for me. If I had had to go out into the world and told people, look, believe me, I would have been in big trouble. The fantastic part of the information, that I was given, that is the part of the information that I cannot prove, this is really the first time, here and in Frankfurt, in Frankfurt there was 15 members of the Human Design family that were participating in the Grey Course that I did there, and this one that I do here, and it’s the first time that I share information that I haven’t presented before and it’s information that I share with you, first of all, because you have the access now to the knowledge that you have through Human Design, you will have access to this information. Basically, what I’m going to share with you is the mythology that I was given and at the same time talk about the process that I went through.

[00:02:23] This is a really nice finish of 1995 for me, because as many of you experienced over the weekend, Martin Grassinger, who is somebody who started very early in Design, it was a real treat for me as his teacher of the Human Design system to sit in his classroom as be his student. It said many, many things to me. One of the many things that he said to me was that the Human Design system’s gotten to a point where the source of that information isn’t what it’s all about anymore. The nice thing about Human Design is that it’s not a dogma, it’s a matrix. And you watch that process. Next year, Juergen is going to be the first person other than myself to be qualified to certify people, to train analysts, and it’s really appropriate for me at this point that I can share the other side of this information. I feel quite secure in all that. I can be put away nicely as the local mad man, it’s okay.

[00:03:17] So over the next couple of days, we’re going to we’re going to go through really three different things tonight. And I’ll talk to you about the mystical process and the mystical way and literally what that represents as a theme in our process. And over the following two days afterwards, I’m going to share with you the information that was given to me by The Voice the first night. The first night information that I was given, all that information was about how the universe came to be, how it was structured, how it evolved, and what it means for us to be able to look at all that, that information. On the last day, on solstice, we will have a nice, Yurgen and I have prepared a nice treat for all of you, on the last evening of the solstice evening, I will talk to you about global cycles, and talk to you about the nature of what global cycles are and how important it is for all of us to be able to see that each and every human being carries aspects of the global evolutionary pattern and manifests it in the world, all of us together as a totality.

[00:04:24] Before I start, the last thing before I start all this, this course is not a New Sun Services course, it is a private, it is a private course, that I am doing it privately. It is black. You pay me and you pay me in cash. I like fives, so pay me in fives.

[00:04:46] [00:04:46]The mystical way. [2.3s] In our work in the Human Design system we’ve seen that we have three mystical channels. These three mystical channels are something that we, in each have our own way because all of you who come here, come with some kind of mystical attachment, of mystical channels appeal to us in one way or another. The thing to recognize about the Human Design system is that there are as many circuits as there are the possibilities of imagination. I teach you some of them as basic circuits, understanding, and knowing, and so forth and so on. There is a mystical circuit. This mystical circuit starts down here in the root center in the 19th gate, and it works its way up into the solar plexus and it moves across this bridge in the solar plexus, the 37/40, it moves across this bridge and up into the self, and from the self, up into my throat. This is a mystical circle. If you don’t have any of it, you’re looking for it. If you have bits and pieces of it, you’re always looking for the other end. It’s at the core of our nature. It’s the core of our nature because it’s at the core of what we call tribal. It is the essence of what it is to be human and the essence of what it is to be human in community. You cannot separate the spiritual way and the mystical way from what it is to be a human being. It’s inseparable, it is inseparable. It is part of our nature.

[00:06:22] [00:06:22]The mystical circuit. [1.5s] There is no, there is no mystical path. Something very important to understand. There is no path. There’s never been a path. There can’t be a path. Everybody’s got a path. Everybody is a path. Everybody is an illusion of separateness flying in space. There is no path. There is no spiritual path. And the moment that you hear anybody stand up on a soapbox and say to you, follow this way, you know right away that you’re dealing with a liar. You can follow that way for experience, and only for experience, experience is nice. Okay. But if you do those seventy five mantras, if you sit on that mountain top, if you blah blah blah, whatever the case may be. Please understand, you cannot bargain your way into being awake. You cannot make a deal to be awake. There is no path that says if I commit myself to this, I’m going to get that. This is called vanity. Vanity gets depression. Vanity doesn’t get to wake up.

[00:07:40] [00:07:40]This is the design of dumb man, a dumb man. [1.5s] You see, it doesn’t matter how intelligent you are, awareness has nothing to do with intelligence, doesn’t matter how smart you are, an awareness doesn’t have anything to do with the smartness. This design over here, I’ve been carrying it around since I came into the world, and for most of my life, still, it’s nine years I’ve been in this experience, I’ve been on the planet 47 years now. So, it means that 38 of those years, I lived this without awareness. You see, I know very clearly that there’s no path, because it’s not possible for me to recognize or think about one.

[00:08:41] If you look above my throat, you’ll see that everything up there is unconscious. It’s simply not available to me. When I’m sitting still and you see me sitting still and you look at me, if you’re wondering what I’m thinking, you don’t know my design. [00:09:00]Because I’m not thinking. I don’t think. [3.0s] One of the cruelest things for me when I was a child was that I would try to think. This was very depressing. It is very depressing to try to be what you are not. I would try to think and my mind would have nothing to do with that. Nothing, because it’s an unconscious process.

[00:09:24] And this chart here, all of those people that were born at the same time as me, the thousands of them that have the same chart, but didn’t hear the Voice. They didn’t have my life of experience. But from my first 38 years, we were very much alike. We were burn out candidates, emotionally dangerous human beings, totally unpredictable creatures, doers with an unconscious mind. When I was a boy, I would hear my mouth say something and somebody would say, that’s not a nice thing to say. Now, as I explained, [00:10:07]I had no idea where it came from. [1.9s] The first thing that I realized about life was there’s something very, very strange going on because words come out of my mouth and I don’t know where they come from. Without awareness these people could be very chaotic. That I left behind a huge, chaotic wave.

[00:10:30] My sun in 61.1, have my design is in occult knowledge, inner truth. And yet for the first 38 years of my life, I had absolutely no contact whatsoever with the occult. It was never part of my life. I did not come to, I was not brought up in a home that was religious in the sense that children had to be religious. We were never pressured about any kind of spirituality whatsoever. And I was basically a nihilist from the time that I came into the world. There was an assumption that not only was there no God, but there was a deep, [00:11:07]deep assumption in myself that life was absurd [2.3s] and I got take advantage of it while I can, because all these things are rolling out of my mouth and I don’t know where they’re coming from and I’m going places and I don’t know where I’m going.

[00:11:21] I also have these two mystical channels of awakening and initiation, and I have part of this bridge and I have the potential awareness in the mystical channel of the tribe. And yet I have nothing to do with any of that. And I was not awake at all. Please understand that. I was just trouble in the now, for whoever was there in my life. Because this emotional system, if you look, the definition of mine, here below the throat, this is all conscious. This is my identification through my intuition in the now with I am. But this emotional system is deeply vulnerable and the tribal gates leading out of the ego center, unconscious, and the potential from below to the emotions is unconscious, and the forty nine principles, this is the gate of the Christ of the Antichrist of sacrificer and the sacrifice, this is a gate of rejection. This is a gate of the deepest possible violence of human beings, deepest emotional violence, and not simply emotional violence that comes out with the loss of blood. I destroyed people’s psyches much more than I hurt their bodies. This is an uncontrollable design. And that’s what I was like, somebody totally out of control. No idea what was happening to me. I didn’t care, by the way, as long as I had what I needed or what I find.

[00:12:53] Ajna center that’s all unconscious, [00:12:55]so I don’t trust it.  I don’t trust these things that come out of my mouth because I don’t know where they’re coming from.  [4.3s] And I’m a very yang male. And as a yang male, I don’t trust my intuition. I don’t know what that is. The only time that I pay any attention to it is after the fact. My intuition was always valuable to me after the fact, but I’ve never listened to it in the moment. [00:13:19]And the only thing that I had contact with was my emotions, so called. Well, they weren’t mine. [5.7s] And so I spent those thirty eight years going up and down on an emotional roller coaster. And more than that, I have a totally undefined sacral center, something I have in common with Bhagwan and Krishnamurti, and seems a rather unusual configuration. And this [00:13:43]totally undefined sacral center meant that I kept on going through all kinds of sexuality in my life. [5.3s] I’ve had many, many, many partners. I’ve had many wives. I kept on going from one conditioning field to another, getting in on the emotional high that was theirs, going out on the emotional low that was theirs, that I would manifest twice as strong and go roaring through onto the next one. This is an unconscious, unaware creature. Please understand that. [00:14:15]There was no way. [1.0s]

[00:14:18] I was not looking for anything. Nothing. [00:14:22]I was just satisfied that I was alive and I was in the movie. [4.8s] It was looking for nothing. There was no answer for that. There was no answer for me for 38 years of what it was to be me. There was no answer. There was just the power of this driving me, and me and the passenger sitting inside and saying, shit, where is this car going now? I could go up and down so fast, it was unbelievable, and get really cranked up. And there was no question that was this was right or wrong. I learned from the beginning, I would get punished for what I would say and I would [00:15:11]have no idea where it came from. [1.2s] I knew right away there’s no bloody morality in the world. I teach you there’s no morality, but I teach that with light. I lived that morality, lack of it with darkness. It didn’t disturb me, what happened to others as I plowed through my process, because there was something inside of me that said you have no control and there’s no answer, and anybody who would have asked me, I’ll let you catch up here because otherwise I’ll disappear.

[00:15:49] Sun earth tonight we have 12.4 11.4 which is, 11.4 12.4, the teacher. Jupiter on the acsendant of Sagittarious so I’ve always been attracted to teaching, and teaching all of my life, I’ve tought universities and city high schools and private schools and in country schools. I taught people of just about every age. And in 1976, I was a teacher and international school in Toronto and it was one of these schools for children of very rich and diplomats and whatever. And it was very interesting collection of teachers. They were from all over the world and the teachers room was filled with some interesting personalities. And one of them I enjoyed talking to. His name was [00:16:35]Gareth Evans, [0.3s] and he came from Wales and he was the head of the mathematics department at the school and we would have very interesting conversations and I enjoyed it. I’m, I’m, I’m basically an antisocial person. I don’t go out of my way to make friends with anybody, but I would go out of my way to make frineds with him. The one night after we have known each other for about a year, he said to me, would you like to come to my house for dinner? And I happened to be in the mood, having the 12th gate, that’s correct for me. I was in the mood and I thought I’d like to see what this guy is up to and I go to his home for dinner and it’s all very nice, very nice dinner, nice conversation and suddenly he looks at me with a totally different look in his face. And he said to me, he said, you know, he said, I have something I want to share with you. And there was a tone in his Voice that said to me, the guy is fucking crazy. Get out of here. This is what my inside said. Because the look, he had this strange look. And he said to me, he said, you know, many years ago in Wales, it was the winter time, I was in my family’s home and I think I was 17 or 18 years old and it snows a lot there and there was snow drifts and the snow drifts and built up in front of the house. And it was his job and the house to go out and shovel away all the snow drifts. And he told me the story and he said, you know, he said I was shoveling and shoveling. And all of a sudden I felt something very warm between my shoulder blades, below the base of the neck. And in the moment that I realized I felt something warm between my shoulder blades, I realized that there was a light all around in front of me and Jesus was there. And I thought to myself, he really is fucking nuts, I better get out of here. And the only thing I’m thinking about in that moment is where’s the door? Never accept invitations again, because you never know what kind of crackpot is underneath. And obviously, I’m putting up that vibration. So he’s taking it in at the same time. And of course, for somebody like that, I’m sure he’s used to it, taking that vibration from people’s reaction. And he said to me, he said, you know, it changed my life. And I thought to myself, yeah, sure it did buddy. So the conversation dies after that day. I have nothing to say. I’m just everything inside of me, I can be very cold, everything inside of me, just got very, very, very cold. And all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there and finally he said to me, it’s time to go, eh?  And I said, yes. And I get up and I put on my coat and everything and I get to the door and he taps me on the shoulder and I turn around and he said, you know, I have a funny feeling that the only way you’ll be able to understand this is when you read it yourself and then you’ll know. And he sent me on my way and I went outside thinking, this guy’s fucking cracked. Cracked.

2 replies on “93 Grey (Part 1)”

There is no Gray Course 1993, this is the start of Gray Course 1995 as you may know. Like all the 1997 referring Gray Course parts are from Gray Course 1996! Best, Jan

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